As a separated parent, playing the ‘blame game’ may seem fairly satisfying in the short term but, over time, it will surreptitiously undermine your own parenting whilst negating and eroding the another parent in the process.
Sadly, this is a typical behaviour observed in separation or divorcing parents as the need to blame is very much a part of the initial stages of grief and fury experienced after splitting up. It can feel good to blame the other parent, absolving ourselves of guilt. And there are only so many painful emotions one can cope with when breaking up feels so dramatic and awful.
But by continually playing the ‘blame game’ we maintain our fixed position and remain ‘stuck’ in avoiding vital and necessary change. “It’s all his/her fault” we keep telling ourselves and feel justified in adopting this ‘easier’ stance where no shift or compromise (or healthy self-analysis!) can take place.
But if we’re unable to be truly honest about assessing our own roles, examining our own behaviour and looking within ourselves, how can we determine how to change and learn from past incidents? We risk the situation becoming even more ‘inflamed’ and chaotic to a point that will disable us, like a type of paralysis. Deeply entrenched and stuck in a ‘blaming rut’, no progress or forward motion can ever truly be made.
Parents who continually blame each other are actually negating their own individual parenting prowess, robbing themselves of their parental strengths, skills and qualities. By spending so much energy focusing on one another’s mistakes, an impasse is quickly reached. At this point your children will probably feel hopelessly lost, confused and overlooked.
The end result is two diminished parents creating a severe emotional deficit for their children at a time when children need to observe their parents being stronger than ever. Both parents need to conserve their individual energy to focus on bringing up their children – an even more difficult task than usual!
Taking stock of oneself and learning to regulate our actions and reactions is far more rewarding and the results are far more tangible – one can see the progress from within. Persistent negative profiling of the other parent; viewing them with an ever-critical eye; plotting their demise and obsessing over what they are doing with ‘your child’ ultimately only detracts from you as a parent.
Time and effort wasted obsessing and generating negative energy and blame simply results in loss of time spent enjoying your child. And it’s only in building on the foundations of their childhood that we can continue creating lovely moments and memories for them. Ask yourself: what do you want your children to remember about this time in their lives?
It takes time for everyone to recover from a separation experience (particularly if you find yourself entrenched in court legalities and adversarial process) so if you continue to find yourself on this negative trajectory, it’s certainly time to explore alternative options and to seek specialist support.
Try to have more fun with your children. Stop looking at those court papers or taking note of all the times the other parent slips up. Stop focusing your attentions on building a case to present in court about “what an awful parent they are”.
Take the time to enjoy yourself and your children and to take a healthy, mindful control. You can then reap the rewards of your decisive actions to move forward in seeking a fruitful co-parenting future.
To discover much more about successful co-parenting send an email to: enquiries@thecoparentingclinic.co.uk